Reflections and ramblings .......

(Predators opening night- special thanks to the Vanderbilt Oncology Clinic for the free tickets!!)

"They will survive through hard times; even in famine they will have more than enough." Psalm 37:19

This verse sums up the way I see this past year for our family .... it has been a heartwrenching and exhausting year- this road is hard - hardly a day goes by that I wish my baby wasn't sick - I wish he could be a normal little boy, that he could run as fast as he used to, that he wasn't afraid to get on his bike now because his balance is of, I miss his smile, I miss life before brain tumors and cancer, I wish my baby didn't have to know such big words such as radiation, chemotherapy, port-a-cath, I wish he didn't have to be as brave as he is .......BUT this IS our reality and our GOD has been faithful ..... all we have needed His hand has provided ... I can say that I have seen the face of God like never before ... I have experienced Him in such a very real and indescribable way. I know Rob has already written some about reaching the one year anniversary of Ryan's diagnosis .... but I felt the need to put my own thoughts down on "paper"....I have written this post a thousand times in my head, but today seemed to be "the" day. This day itself hasn't started off as the best .... it started with Ryan waking up around midnight crying with his ear hurting and a his head hurting (complaints of headaches mean immediate knots in my stomach) - next it was Addie crying with her throat and tummy hurting .... needless to say - I'll be taking two to the doctor today. I read this verse to remind myself that He will provide for this day too. Please pray that all will go well and that we will all be in our own beds tonight ... maybe with some medicines to help everybody feel better, that there will be no fevers for Ryan and that his headache is nothing more than an ear infection or sinus issues - this will be Addie's 3rd time to be on antibiotics in just a few short weeks - so that is concerning to me as to why she just can't seem to get over this.

These past few weeks and months I have relived many moments leading up to Ryan's diagnosis and the ones after ...... it is hard to put in to words the many emotions and feelings that have surfaced during all of this. I can so clearly remember so many of the days leading up to the day our family would be changed forever ..... like taking him to the book fair at Addie's school, he was so excited to be a big boy and get to buy a book. Little did I know that day that the first time we read those new books we would be sitting in a bed in the pediatric intensive care unit. I can still hear in my mind my sweet friend Susan reading to Ryan his new Backyardigans book in the wee hours of the morning .... they were eating donuts and having a story and I was resting on a cot. I went to Old Navy a few weeks ago to buy some warmer clothes for the kids .... my mind immediately went back to the day I had gone in there one short year ago to buy warmer clothes for them for our trip to the Cincy zoo .... that life seems so far away most days. I remember the Sunday before Ryan was diagnosed ..... we pass around a notebook in our Sunday School class to write our praises and our prayer requests .... then those are sent out by e-mail so we can pray through the week for those needs - I watched the notebook as it was being passed around ..... the Holy Spirit kept prompting me to put Ryan and his eye appt down .... I kept having this conversation with God ..... "people have REAL issues - my child possibly having a lazy eye and needing glasses is not such a big deal" .... yet when the notebook was placed in my hands I knew I had to write ...... God knew what lay ahead of us and He was already at work rallying the troops for war. I remember driving off for that eye doctors appt. ... thinking, "maybe I should have Rob go with me" - I just had this "feeling" - God was preparing me. Once we were sent for the MRI - it may have been hours, but it felt like immediately people were there. Our Sunday School teacher, Kevin - my friend Holly "just happened" to be thinking of me and called my home and my mom told her what was going on, she was there in just a few minutes - it also "just so happened" that her sister was there helping with Ryan's MRI and I had just asked her if she could try and get in touch with Holly for me -Rob's parents were there - my pediatrician called her sister (who works at Vanderbilt and I also had taken care of her newborn baby about 10 years prior - boy does that make you feel old!) - she immediately started praying right there in the hospital hallway. When I look back at all of that ..... I am certain that though we were completely caught off guard - our Father was prepared and ready for this battle - He already had a legion of warriors ready to fight for us. Mostly those days are just a blur, yet those moments where God was so obviously revealing Himself to us seem crystal clear. I was particularly touched when one of my friend's daughters (Hannah, Olivia, and Elizabeth - we love you girls and your Mom and Dad) came by with a bag full of money - she had shared our story with the middle schoolers at our church and they collected money - digging into their own pockets ..... there was over $200 - what an incredible group of kids - thank you Long Hollow Middle Schoolers!!! You could never know what a blessing that was for us. I could go on and on with stories like that from this past year ..... our God is Amazing and you all are incredible!!!

I remember the day of Ryan's surgery ..... I remember all the faces sitting around praying and waiting with us. My friend Barbara had written scriptures down on index cards so I could keep His word close (little did she know that I had tried to do that but just never could get it done) - I know her too - she didn't just put down whatever sounded good - I know she prayed for the Holy Spirit to lead her to the words that I would need that day - what a treasure - I still keep those cards with me. She left to take care of her girls - planning on coming back to the hospital later. She got home and was looking through her purse and realized one of the cards had gotten separated from the rest - she immediately felt prompted to return to the hospital right then - not wait until later as she had planned - little did she know that at that same time the neurosurgeon was sitting with us and telling us how the surgery had gone and that he did suspect that the tumor was cancer. I was surprised to see her back so soon - she handed me the separated index card with this scripture "With a long life I will satisfy him, and let him behold My salvation." Psalm 91:16. I pray this scripture everyday for Ryan - Lord we pray that you would allow a long life for our Ryan - we especially pray that he will KNOW you because we know that a long life without Jesus is meaningless. I already see God at work and dealing with Ryan's little spirit - it is such a blessing and I just find myself completely in awe. You would think that our memories of that day would be nightmarish .... they aren't ... the day went by quickly and what I remember the most was all the love .... God gave His peace that goes so far beyond our understanding. We experienced His Grace and Mercy in a way that we had never experienced it before.

Then the 30 days of radiation ..... when fear took hold of our hearts and minds as we looked at all the evil side effects that radiation could do to our precious boy God was so good to bring us over and over to the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego during this time .... we prayed these scriptures for Ryan - " ....the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them." Daniel 3:27 Precious Jesus - this remains our cry for our brave little warrior!!!

Now we are down to the last round of chemo - doesn't seem possible - our emotions are all over the place I must say. My hearts cry is - Please Lord, let this be "it" - let it be finished - please let Ryan's body never be touched by cancer again - let him grow old - let that scar on his sweet little head bring glory to You - we pray that we have been and will continue to be fruitful in this land of suffering (Genesis 41:52).

People always ask us how we do this ..... well, you don't get a choice ..... but our strength comes from Him and Him alone ..... in our weakness, He is strong. If we functioned in our own strength - honestly, we would probably never get out of bed each day- we have our days when we wrestle it out- I wish I could say we wouldn't change any of this - but I'm not there yet and I'm not sure that I'm supposed to be there - but we have accepted that this is His way and He arms us with His strength - He holds us up and He holds us tightly in His grip. We serve a good God - He is full of compassion, He is merciful, He is forgiving, He is our deliverer, He is abounding in love, He is gracious, He is attentive to our cry ..... oh, how I pray each of you reading this know Him!

Thank you for sticking this out with us ..... Lord, thank you for these precious warriors who battle on behalf of my precious boy - God I pray that you would pour Your favor and goodness out into their lives - that you would keep Your hand on them - protect them. I pray that they know how we treasure every prayer that is offered up on our behalf. Ryan still needs your prayers (we all do) - this chapter is coming to a close, but the story is far from over.