"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." Romans 8:22-23

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain, it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." C.S. Lewis

Ryan got to come home on Tuesday ~ his energy seems to be coming up and we are praying that his counts will be good on Monday so he can get back to school and have fun with all the Christmas activities ~ we are thankful to be home. This was one of our most difficult hospital stays. This was the first hospital stay ever that Ryan cried and wanted to go home ~ those moments didn't last long and he would move on ~ I still didn't like it for him and wanted to click my furry pink slippers and make it happen for him! Hindsight ~ I realize how very blessed we are that he really has never done that before. This was one of those times that my heart was ever so sensitive to the suffering that surrounded me ~ it seemed there were so many children crying in pain this time, the helicopter landed all hours of the day and night (our nurse told us we were in one of the rooms that you hear it the loudest) ~ each time, I cringed and knew that somewhere a families life had just completely flipped upside down ~ I couldn't help but think of the mom and dad that were in a car somewhere trying to get to their babies side as fast as they could, I thought of the precious one that was being lifeflighted .... praying they weren't scared and that God was making His presence known to them. I would pass other parents in the hallway and realized how each of us want one thing and one thing only ..... we want a future for our children. The day Ryan was admitted I learned of another little boy who is 3 who has a brain tumor, about a week earlier I had learned of a 20 year old with one, then while in the hospital we learned of another family ..... I had been noticing them, once you've been around the block a time or two you begin to recognize the new families .... you know the dazed look and you think to yourself, "that was me a year ago" .... your heart aches for them and you pray that you will know what to say or do if He opens that door for you. Rob did get to talk to this little boys dad - he's 7 and his brain tumor is inoperable, his daddy is praying that they can keep him stable long enough to give him his wish ~ another little boy I keep up with through e-mail just relapsed ....... oh, how our hearts break for these precious families. I kept thinking of this verse over and over ....... that is the only way to explain it .... my spirit groans inwardly with such sorrow. I trust that it is in these times that the Spirit intercedes on my behalf (Romans 8:26) as I just am open honest and don't know where to begin to pray ...... I just want the pain to stop!

Nancy Guthrie in her One Year Book of Hope devotional says "When you find yourself groaning because of the death and destruction and disease and depression and deprivation in this world, and you find deep inside an intense longing for it all to be erased and made right, take heart. That is a sacred longing, placed deep within you by the Holy Spirit. " God gives us the longing and the day will come when all will be made right .......

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain ....... "I am making everything new!" ...... " Revelation 21:4 & 5

I know His promises are true .... honestly, right now I'm in that spot where what my head knows hasn't really sunk into my heart .... you know that place ..... where you know His word to be true, but it just all seems so hard and I can't imagine wanting anything more than for my Ryan to not have had to go through all of this .... it's hard to imagine that the day could ever come that I will think it's all been worth it ..... but, I do believe His word and Romans 8:18 says "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." ~ I believe that promise even though in my heart I may not feel it right now , I'm still gonna cling to it ~ I choose to believe it ~ I am so thankful that I have a Father in Heaven that I can be completely honest with and that as long as I'm seeking Him ..... He will reveal Himself .......

And, yes, there were some good things that happened as well ..... our cousin Eric came and played with Ryan (Ryan thinks Eric is the best and loves to play with him!) one night and I was able to get away for dinner with our friend Hezekiah's mom - Rainbow for dinner (he had medulloblastoma like Ryan). It was good to sit and talk with a grown up - we talked some about the boys and this crazy road (Hezekiah calls it madness and I have to agree with him :)), some just about life and when we were done I wished we had more time .... that is always the case when you finally get a chance to get away and have some grown up time .... just never enough of it. Thanks Rainbow for dinner .... I went off without any money so she was very gracious and paid for mine. I was talking to a friend on the phone when I realized I had checked into the hotel without any popcorn - I always have popcorn- Ryan likes to have it and watch a movie at night .... before too long here came Ann and LaDona with popcorn and a few other things to help us add on the pounds and keep us occupied ( unfortunately, the wrong person is adding on the pounds in this situation :)) .... God has blessed us with amazing people to get us through all of this.

As you pray for Ryan, please keep these precious ones in your prayers as well - Joseph, Jessica, Gunner, Jullian, and Hezekiah ..... we love you all and your faithfulness to pray is the greatest gift you could ever give to us.