Breaking the Silence

Okay - it has been a really long time since I have updated, just not been in much of a blogging mood lately. This sweet little Baby of Promise (for you Janna :)) has been making it's momma feel pretty terrible - it is getting some better and Zofran is truly a miracle drug that I am so very thankful that God gave man the wisdom to come up with!!! Especially thinking about what all Ryan has been through and that he never got sick - just gotta raise my hands and praise Him for that one. I'm 15 1/2 weeks now so we're moving right along. Addie and Ryan are extremely excited - Addie tells everyone that she is having a sister and of course Ryan wants a brother - he told me he was sure it would be a brother because he prayed every night for a brother and why would God give him another sister since He had already given him a silly sister - just had to laugh and then explain to him that it just doesn't always work that way. It is funny though as I am constantly congratulated about having another girl as Addie must be pretty convincing about this baby being a girl. As for me - I have no clue ..... I've never been very good at "feeling" one way or the other and I think Rob is pretty much the same way. We will find out though in about 5 weeks I think. Ryan has a little bank and he is putting his money in it to save for the baby - he will buy bottles and clothes for it to spit up on :) - Addie has been shopping for the baby at garage sales with Granna - it is really sweet to see them so excited .....

The important news first - Ryan's MRI is this Friday 5/30 at 10:00AM. Please agree with us in prayer for a clear scan - for no evidence of cancer anywhere in his little body. Also, pray for peace for Ryan as this will be his first sedation without the port, that means an IV and he is pretty concerned about that. Emotions always run high in the weeks leading up to these MRI's - we struggle with lots of fear and just to be honest Rob and I find ourselves in a pretty big pit right now - it is just a scary time for us. We have a good thought - then it seems to immediately get gobbled up by a really, really bad thought. Once you enter this world I guess you really never get to leave it - it will really never be over - that is a hard reality to swallow at times. We are constantly reminded of all the pain around us - we want to be turning cartwheels with joy and we are intensely grateful for how far God has carried us, but when we see other families that we have gotten to know at Vanderbilt or over the internet getting the news nobody wants - it just breaks you and it can be consuming. In the last several weeks there have been several who have gone home with Jesus, some sent home on hospice - our hearts ache for them .... and then some who get the great report of clear scans - we rejoice and praise Him for this good news ..... we struggle to make sense of it all and finally realize that it will never make sense. I'll be watching Addie and Ryan playing and I will be overcome with gratitude and just praise Him for the miracle of getting to watch these two play (or fight :)) together, knowing all too well that I could be watching only one at play - then I slide on into thoughts of the sweet families whose reality is just that, they are now minus one - then fear sweeps over that it could still be us, there are no guarantees ....... it just sorta cycles like that. We have been missing that precious smile as well - it is hard to believe it has been a year and a half since we have seen Ryan smile - some days I don't think about it so much - other days it just really stings - then I think - okay, he is here - that's what matters. I think all of this has become more intense since we have finished treatment - during treatment you go, go, go on adrenaline not really dealing with your emotions - now we don't have all of the appts, hospital stays, etc. - so we are beginning to deal with the reality of all of this. Rob and I find ourselves feeling like we just don't belong right now - when we are around others and trying to join in on a typical conversation we find it hard to just join in - I find myself sometimes wanting to stand up and scream when people are complaining about silly stuff -I want to remind them to get a grip and wop them up side the head with a good dose of reality - then God reminds me - this is my reality - not theirs and that I can't expect everybody to "get it". And - I don't want to constantly talk about brain tumors and cancer, etc. - but I really find it hard to talk about anything else. Other families further on down the road tell us this is all very normal ...... whatever that is. And - God is more than faithful to surround me with precious friends who aren't afraid to get down in the pit with us - to ask the hard questions and really want to hear the hard answer - and I'm thankful for the ones who remind me of ALL that He has already done - to keep looking back and remembering His faithfulness - we truly do want to have the spirit of Joshua and Caleb - to not be afraid of the giants in the land - to remember that our God is bigger than all of that - but, there are many days I just have to tell Him that is what I desire, but it's not where I'm at - as Rob has said before - sometimes our middle name is "Israel" - how quickly we forget His goodness.

Ryan has also had some difficult moments of frustration in dealing with the fact that his body doesn't work like it used to - he wants to run fast and he just can't - he got to play soccer and he loved it, but it was hard for him - he gave it 110% and then some - I was so very proud of him - they would run some laps at the end of practice and he was always several laps behind the other kids - his coach would tell him he could stop but Ryan never would - he was so determined!! Rob and I had lots of tears during the soccer season - tears of just being so happy he was out there and and playing - just feeling so proud of his determination ..... then tears of hurt, wishing that the stupid tumor hadn't taken so much from our little boy. We had incredible soccer coaches who were so great with Ryan - they were great with all the kids - Coach Mark and Coach Ace - you have no idea how grateful we are for you guys!! He is doing his physical therapy and he continues to get stronger and stronger - he works so hard. He was crying one night because he "isn't the best or the fastest" at anything - all I could think was how one day I hope he does know what an incredible little warrior he is - he just has no idea!

In the midst of all of that - we have had lots of good stuff as well - I will blog on that hopefully sooner rather than later with pictures. My sweet boy turned 6!! Addie and Ryan were both in my cousin's wedding - precious of course, school is out - and we are ready to get this MRI over and done with so we can move on into some summer fun!!

Oh - I forgot about this - Ryan was eating fruit loops the other morning - he looked at Rob and said, "Daddy - God must have gave me my tastebuds back! - I can taste the fruit in the fruit loops again!" - we are so thankful for these little miracles!!

Thank you for your prayers - as you can see, our family still needs you so very much. I know lots of this is spiritual warfare and when you are in the midst of it all, sometimes we simply just don't have the energy to fight(pray, etc.) - thank you for carrying us and battling for us... we love you.

"Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Looking unto Jesus - laying our requests at His feet and waiting in expectation - asking for a ram in the thicket .........