El Roi - The God Who Sees

(Addie and Ryan - Easter morning)

Sorry it's been a while since we last updated. Quite honestly, I have been in a slump. El Roi - The God Who Sees is one of my favorite names of God - it reminds me that He knows every detail of my life - nothing is hidden from Him. Lately though - I have had to check in with Him to make sure He still does see us ... that He is the God who never leaves us. In my head, I know this to be true ..... so, I keep reminding myself of these truths until my heart catches back up. I have struggled the past few weeks with watching Ryan and his struggles (I had a friend point out to me though that he really doesn't perceive himself as struggling- which I know is a gift from Him). My heart aches every morning when he comes out all sleepy and rubbing his little eyes - he snuggles up to me and says, "Mommy - is today the day I get the needle?" - I would give anything if such a thought as that was not his first thought every morning. It also seems that every where I turn - I hear of someone who has relapsed - talk about every family who has been scarred by cancers worst nightmare!! He also remembered that we had told him he could play soccer in the Spring - well Spring arrived and he remembered and he just can't understand why we aren't letting him play. When his counts dropped this time - he laid in the kitchen floor and cried when I told him he couldn't have strawberries .... this is not an easy road to walk to say the least. Eating is still a struggle - it takes him at least an hour to eat (I'm talking 1/2 of grilled cheese and a banana - not a seven course meal) - he just has trouble chewing.(Please continue to pray for this to be completely restored). Thankfully, we have been approved for more speech therapy. The amazing thing is that he continues to have the sweetest little spirit and an incredible attitude. When I told him it was time to go back to visit the hospital for a few nights - he said, " Oh, I don't want to go - but at least it's not that many nights and we can go to the play room and get some games." He is just the best little boy!

Today my devotional was about Jehovah-Jireh: The Lord Will Provide. The timing was very good considering the state of my heart - I knew it was not a coincidence. It talked about Abraham and his being obedient and his willingness to sacrifice his son, Isaac - to do what God had asked of him. But, Abraham did not have to put his son to death - God provided the ram as the sacrifice. In the past, my prayer for families who have a child with a life threatening illness has always been that God would provide a ram in the thicket just as He did for Abraham - that the child would be spared. As you can imagine - this is my prayer with every breath for Ryan. Just as God called Abraham to be willing to sacrifice his son - God has called us to do the same with our precious boy (actually, with all that we have - everything we have is His and comes from Him). I remember Rob praying the night before Ryan's surgery - acknowledging that Ryan was not ours, but that he belonged to Him - we asked that He would deliver him from the surgery back to our arms safe and sound. He did - we know that God works through the doctors, nurses, and the medicines ..... but it is only He who keeps him. I can remember the next morning as I held him in my arms, on our way to surgery - we rode in the wheelchair - I can remember thinking, "Here I am Lord - I'm bringing you my little Isaac - he is yours." God was merciful and gave us Ryan back. When I think back about that day - I know I have a God who sees - a God who provides. The writer also speaks of God's provision and redemption for us - "There was no stay of the knife for his own Son - so that your Jehovah-jireh could provide Jesus as a sacrifice for you." A love that we just can't quite wrap our minds around ..... can we? He is the God who sees - He will provide for my every need - I can't imagine walking this journey without the One who keeps me.

Ryan will be admitted tomorrow for his 3rd round of chemo - this is a new drug for him. The side effects are (so we can agree together in prayer that he won't have them:)) : Loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting (Ryan has not experienced any of this so far -praise Him!), bleeding and inflammation of the bladder (he will be given another med to help prevent this as this seems to be the one they are most concerned with), decrease in blood counts, hair loss (don't have to worry about that one anymore :)), can destroy the sperm and cause infertility, these are the rare ones - damage the heart, lungs, a new cancer resulting from treatment, damage to the bladder. Once again, we ask that you pray for protection over his little body -
We will have his hearing checked tomorrow also - please pray that will be good. He seems to hear just fine - however, he does have selective hearing like his Daddy :). Rob and I are weary(actually to be honest - we are just plain pooped!) - I guess six months into this battle it just goes along with the territory - but your prayers for us would be greatly appreciated - and don't forget sweet Addie, she has been pretty clingy to me lately - I know this is hard for her as well.

Rob's mom's (Jackie) surgery went well -however, she is in a great deal of pain - she would really appreciate your prayers.

Also, tomorrow - please remember Jack, Dana, and Jackson Ashley in your prayers - Jackson finished treatment 6 weeks ago and will have a follow-up MRI. The wait is incredibly hard - please pray and agree with us for a clear MRI for Jackson!!!

Each of you walking this road with us are the hands and feet of Jesus - we could not do this without you!!

Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught by its horns in a bush. So he took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering on the altar in place of his son. Abraham named the place "The Lord Will Provide." Genesis 22:13-14