The wait ....

Ryan had his MRI yesterday - he did fine with the sedation, etc. Not thrilled about having the needle placed in his port but as always, he was a trooper. We will meet with Dr. Kuttesch in the morning around 9:30AM to discuss the results and to talk about starting the chemotherapy next Thursday. Please keep us in your prayers - waiting is very, very hard. We are asking that the results would be better than the doctors could even imagine - but, there is that huge rock in your stomach as you wait to find out. Ryan will have MRIs every three months for quite a while - somehow, I don't think we will ever get used to this and the wait will never get any easier. I feel very hopeful that the results will be good and I am planning that tomorrow night will be one of celebration!!

We did get away to Knoxville over the w/end. Saturday turned out to be a really nice day and we were able to go to the zoo. Ryan loves to tell everyone about seeing the gorilla picking his nose and then eating a booger (sp?) - what is it with boys and stuff like that!! Addie and Ryan had fun just staying in the hotel room. Addie is our pool girl and she enjoyed that alot - the pool was supposedly heated, but I think the heater must have been broken because it was freezing!! Addie didn't seem to mind and we had to drag her out each time - Ryan only lasted about 30 minutes and then he was done! He has zero body fat, so I'm sure he gets colder much faster than the rest of us (as we have plenty of body fat to spare:)). Ryan enjoyed the zoo and getting to stay up late and watch movies. I think the kids had a really good time and we loved watching them just enjoy. Rob and I could use our own getaway - as any of you who have stayed in a hotel room with kids that are bouncing off the wall, you know that it isn't exactly a restful time for the parents :). A really neat thing for us was we saw the most beautiful rainbow - it was the complete arch - it stirred something deep within me as I was reminded of His promises and of His faithfulness. It was just one of those moments when you just knew that God was speaking to you through His creation - it was as if He placed that rainbow in the sky just for us :).

I think for Rob and I both, life is so bittersweet - with one breath we Praise God and thank Him that Ryan is here with us knowing how very different it could be, then with the next breath you pray that the beginning of next year will be so very different than the beginning of this year - we pray that Ryan will be cancer free, that his smile will have been restored, that his balance will be good, that his eyes will be restored. It can be very painful watching him at times - as Rob says - it just doesn't feel like we've got our boy back. His spirit is very much whole and I praise Him for that, but watching him try to run and play just breaks my heart many days. He is very apprehensive around other children - he is very guarded and avoids crowds. I think he is afraid he will get knocked down or will fall - at home he is wild and karate chops everything, but I think he feels safe in his own environment and with us. I am so thankful that he has some very special friends that he can have some one on one time with - he loves that time and I treasure it as it helps make his life as "normal" as it can be right now. Everywhere we go we have children pointing and staring - it is very hard for me even though I realize that children just don't know any better - knowing that doesn't make it any easier. And I do realize my children aren't perfect either. The amazing thing is that Ryan never seems to notice - I have to believe that God is protecting and sheltering him from that - I pray He is. One little boy even told Ryan to his face that he looked weird - later, Ryan mentioned the boy and talked about how that the little boy thought he looked cool without any hair! Now tell me that isn't a God thing!! I always try to remain calm and explain that Ryan has to take medicine that made all of his hair fall out - it isn't always easy as sometimes I want to just yank every last hair on their head out!! I know that isn't very Christ-like of me, but I know every mother on the planet will understand! Please pray that God will help me with this and give me the right words to say to other children and to Ryan in these situations - we know He can turn these situations into good and I do believe that all of this is being used to build Ryan's character into something completely amazing! He teaches me so much everyday as he really seems unphased by all of this. And, as I type this, I am reminded of the many, many acts of kindness that Ryan has been shown - many more acts of kindness than acts that are not so kind. Tonight, at Cracker Barrel - a sweet boy came over and gave Addie and Ryan candy, one day a lady and her three children gave him a ten dollar bill because they could tell he was such a brave boy - such simple things, but they make a child's day (and their Mommy's)!!

As always, forgive me for rambling and thank you for going before the throne of the Great I Am on our behalf - He is able.

I would also ask that you remember Pam Williams (she was Ryan's former speech therapist who has breast cancer) as she begins her chemotherapy tomorrow.

"On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63: 6-8